Things happen for a reason. That’s for sure. In my first three blog attempts, two out of three consisted of my laptop giving me a suicide scare. Now that I think about it, my laptop freaked out on my first draft because I wasn’t able to give it some rest for the longest time. After 32 hours worth of rest, Lappy woke up and showed me my unfinished blog which was nothing but lackluster. Now, even though the second suicide attempt was nothing but a false alarm (a disconnected plug), what made it a big deal was I wasn’t able to save it. After walking around the room while eating a mug of Taho to calm myself down, I realized that there was actually no need for me to panic. Having remembered some of the paragraphs I’ve written, I felt like I was elaborating how disappointed I was with myself over the last few months for not being proactive. I figured it may be too painful–or annoying to read an entry full of negativism. Hence, it’s time to move on.
If you were to ask me what helps soothe my mind–aside from the mug of Taho I recently consumed (which was more of a craving actually. But here’s a new fact I’ve learned: it helps fight off osteoporosis! Let’s go ladies!)–would be the fast-clicking sound of a laptop keyboard. I like the fact that I’m a fast typist, because that would mean I could calm myself down if I’d want to pour my heart out. Should my mind feel blank however, what could be the next best thing for me to turn things around?
Now before I answer that, let it be known that I’m dedicating this blog to the resurrection of my being proactive. That after the longest time I’ve ignored my blog page, I should swallow the fact that I became the biggest biatch of them all: Ningas Cogon. Ugh. Repulsive. I can just imagine the disappointed look on your face, and I’m freaking out a bit. Yeah, that’s why I need to find a way to calm down and so far, the pace of my typing isn’t all eighth and sixteenth notes. More of a whole rest per other system on all staffs of a music sheet (on a 4/4 time signature.)
And so I got into YouTube, hoping to see some videos (well, I watched a little bit of RWJ first before looking for videos of my own) that would make me sing along. Bruno Mars sounds good, I thought, typing his name on the search bar. A quick scan later, I came across a piano cover of Just the Way You Are, and clicked on it. And born was my love for The Piano Guys, which I quickly introduced to Alex, my lover.
While preparing our lunch downstairs, Alex asked me to play on the piano the theme from the movie Love Affair (composed by the great Ennio Morricone) before we had our lunch, which I agreed to do. We watched a few more videos of The Piano Guys a few hours later, wherein we were completely awestruck by Jarrod Radnich’s Harry Potter theme solo. The way his hands were flying with such pace and eloquence made me utter a (damn corny) joke when a link popped out on the video, encouraging the viewer to get the music sheet of the Harry Potter theme. “I’ll buy the music sheet alright, I have hands as good as those,” I snorted. Alex, after a second or two of laughing (I told you it was corny) then told me, “You know, that’s what you’re missing when you play the piano. That movement.” I knew that movement, I wanted to say. And that movement involves a huge deal of imagination.
After leaving my family to be with the person I love, there were adjustments that need to be made. I became serious with my job hunting, first and foremost. I also chose at that time not to look back on what my life was before eloping, because I thought that was the smartest thing to do to prove that I’ll be okay with my ‘new’ life (Not to worry though, my family and I are already in speaking terms.) Playing the piano, a favorite past time of mine ever since I learned how to play one during my elementary years, was boxed up in the PAST section of my life. It was where I got my first medal outside of school–which was a pretty big deal for me, since I’m not really what you’d call a model student. But playing the piano was something else for me. I get to release all my tensions away the moment I play, for example, the introduction of Robert Schumann’s “Knight Rupert” with great fortissimo, and start to wind down when I shift to F major, in a legato and almost glissando kind of notation, on the second part. By that time, I imagine the knight was about to meet his lovely maiden by the pond before he leaves for battle. (I should thank my piano teachers for encouraging me to make use of my imagination. I got the lovely maiden idea from one of them.)
It took two years after I ran away, for me to get ahold of those ol’ ebonies and ivories and technically, I still knew how to play. But years later, my imagination was still playing hide and seek with me. This is not good. I really have some serious thinking to do if I don’t want to find myself living a life full of inconsistencies because the rainbow in my mind lacked some colors.
It’s a bit strange (and sad) to know why the passage of movement (and/or imagination) in my mind is blocked. Maybe not blocked, just under construction…for the longest time. I suddenly remembered how annoyed I get when I pass by a certain part of a highway which has been under construction for more than a year. I can’t help but wonder if I have annoyed or lowered other people and their expectations of me, especially on matters which require going beyond what was asked of me.
So, it’s about time I start shaking my hands, loosen my nerves and just CONCENTRATE. Learn to be both the white and black swans, without killing myself. Trust my hands to fly and land on the right keys at the very moment and very time that will leave listeners and even myself, spellbound. This doesn’t go with just playing the piano. Writing short stories and poems once again may even increase the flow of imagination, and may eventually swallow the “Under Construction” signage on my mind’s passage way, whole.
Maybe there are no colors to be painted at this very moment, but reaching the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow may come sooner or later. And if I want the stagnancy in my life to go away, sooner is always better, even if it’s better late than never.